like bummer, man

2012-Feb-27, Monday 22:45
texxgadget: (Default)
The whole reason I signed up for LJ was to give people who are in proximity to me a look inside at the gears & smoke that make me who I am.
There are things they should (In my opinion) know but theres no way to tell them.
Giving them a peek behind the drapes & the fireballs seemed the answer.

Well the teaching moment of all teaching moments has arrived.

Ive long suspected that Im bi-polar as well as ADD & probably a trace of Azbergers just to ice the cake.

Ive only been on a bummer like this a few times in my life.
The problem is that I can sense the rate of my slide downhill and Im close to some of the worst bummers Ive ever been on and Im picking up speed.
This time Im passing previous record lows. Expletives dont begin to describe it all.

Saturday, I just dissolved in tears for no reason.
Last week, I was able to make it to a cabling closet before I fell apart.
I didnt quite make it to tears this evening, at least not yet.
Im still not really sure why. This is probably a trouble sign.

This is a crushing depression. Its a crawl under the blanket & dont come out depression.
Its a paralyzing depression. You just sit there and cant do anything.
The tasks stack up and nothing happens, not even critical things.
Having a service type occupation such as IT and being right in the middle of one of the biggest IT projects this company has had makes it even worse.

I started this post a few nights ago.
Lodema phoned, dunno how she knew to call, she just did and we shot the breeze on the phone like an hour. Im a little better today, but still pretty much a zombie.

Ive been trying not to go on meds for several reasons.
On meds, Im not sure who I will become, but definitely someone else.
Im also not wild about becoming dependent on meds.
What happens in lean times, when meds are too expensive?
Once dependent on meds, wont it be worse going off meds?
And of course the whole business about medical record not being as private as they tell you they are. Anyone in govt or law enforcement or insurance has free run of your medical records.

Im going to keep this post simmering on a back burner and try to get something done before I post this. Might have something to add. Well see.

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texxgadget

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